The Aftermath...

Today I attended a support group meeting. The support group is for women who have suffered miscarriage, still birth and/or infant death. It's a closed meeting - only parents who have experienced this is allowed. No you can't bring a friend. I thought this was weird at first, until I attended. It was great to be around people who wholeheartedly understood and experienced what i felt. It's really hard when you try to explain how you feel to friends who aren't experiencing it, because they can't fathom the pain. But when you speak to people experiencing it everybody is on the same playing field, we all understand each others pain and unrest. It was quite enlightening and encouraging, and I intend to continue attending.

This was a poem that was passed onto me this evening, when I made a comment about how the experience makes you question religion somewhat, and it makes you question if you're really a mother since you have no child. The poem is beautiful, and the idea of it brought a smile to me face. I am not sure you wrote it. If you do, I'd love to give them credit.

I thought of you and closed my eyes

And prayed to God today

I asked "What makes a Mother?"

And I know I heard Him say...

"A Mother has a baby"

This we know is true

"But God can you be a mother when your baby's not with you?"

"Yes, you can" he replied with confidence in his voice.

"I give many women babies, when they leave is not their choice.

Some stay for a lifetime, and others for a day.

And some I send to feel your womb, but there's no need to stay."

"I just dont understand this God. I want my baby to be here."

He took a deep breath and cleared his throat,

And then I saw the tear.

"I wish I could show you, what your child is doing today.

If you could see your childs smile, with all the other children and say...

We go to Earth to learn our lessons of love and life and fear.

My mummy loved me oh so much, I got to come straight here.

I feel so lucky to have a Mum, who had so much love for me.

I learned my lessons very quickly, my mummy set me free.

I miss my mummy oh so much, but I visit her every day.

When she goes to sleep, on her pillows where I lay.

I stroke her hair and kiss her cheek, and whisper in her ear...

Mummy don't be sad today, I'm your baby and I'm here.

"So you see my dear sweet ones, your children are okay.

Your babies are born here in My home, and this is where they'll stay.

They'll wait for you with Me, until your lesson's through.

And on that day that you come home they'll be at the gates for you.

So now you see what makes a Mother...

It's the feeling in your heart,

It's the love you had so much of right from the very start.

Though some on Earth may not realize, you are a Mother

What Happened?

As I mentioned previously, I experienced a miscarriage last week. What happened many people wonder.

At 4 and 1/2 months my water broke. As a result of this all the amniotic fluid drained (every last drop). I had to undergo two ultrasounds - both showed that the baby was still alive and had a fairly strong heartbeat. However, the amniotic fluid is what protects the baby from infection etc so I was advised by the doctor that his chance of survival was slim to none and he would recommend that the pregnancy be terminated. I asked him for a little while to process the information and decide what I wanted to do. Within that time, I did experience an infection which resulted in a very high fever and I had to be fed antibiotics for the next few days. At that point the Doctor told me that the termination of pregnancy was no longer a choice, as I was already getting sick and everything else would go downhill from there.

Labour had to be induced. I don't think the nurses thought I would go into Labour as quickly as I did...it took about 4hrs between the pills to induce the labour and giving birth to the baby. The baby died immediately after being born as his lungs had not developed. He was named and baptized, and the nurses wrapped him up and allowed me to hold him. Nathaniel was absolutely tiny...Just a little larger than my hand. He was so developed though. All his facial features were there, you could already see a combination of myself and his father in his face. His face looked so peaceful as if he knows something I don't.

I have pictures of him. Everyday I look at the pictures. I look at his innocence...at how peaceful his face was. I try to tell myself that he's in a better myself. I hope he knows and understands how much I loved and wanted him. I was so excited to be having him next March. I had set so many things in motion so that he would have a warm and happy welcoming into this World. Its really sad that none of that will happen now.

I think its even more sad, because this pregnancy wasn't expected. And there was a lot of battling about role and responsibilities. And despite all that I did what was necessary to set in place the ground work to provide a happy home, and I was sooooooo soooooo excited to be having this baby. And now he's gone.

As each day goes by...thinking about Nathaniel gets a little bit easier, and a little less sad. But I do miss him dearly, I miss the opportunity to see him grow and to be that rock/pillar of support for him...I miss that I'll never be able to hold him again...I love him beyond compare, a kind of love that truly cannot be described.

I miss and LOVE you unconditionally & forever Nathaniel.

Losing A Baby...

This isn't a pain I would wish on my worst enemy. It is truly heart wrenching. The kind of pain that makes you wish you could die. My heart isn't even broken...it's shattered. I'm trying soooooo hard to convince myself that he is in a better place, but the loss hurts so much.

It was a boy...I named him Nathaniel...a boy name I picked out from day one. It means Gods gift, and I thought it was so suiting for the situation.

I held his tiny lifeless body in my arms. His face was developed, you could already see he had my nose and lips. I was so in shock I couldn't even say all the things I wanted to say. I wish I held him longer and expressed how much I loved him, but I know he knows that regardless. I don't think I ever truly knew how to love, until I found out I was having him...and to love like that and lose him is so so so hard.

I don't even get out of bed for more than a half hour at a time. I spend hours just laying wrapped up in my blanket trying to comprehend the events of this past week. Trying to deal with the loss. I don't eat. I feel so depressed. I can't seem to find my reason for living, if my Nathaniel isn't with me.

Bad News

So...I had a miscarriage this week. I was in the hospital for the past few days. The whole thing has been very hard on me...the best way to describe it is losing the love of your life before having the chance to meet them. It's taking all my strength to be strong right now.

I guess I'll give more details when I can actually muster up the strength to talk about the whole thing at length.

Belly...

I'm officially starting to show. If you knew me, you'd be like OMG you got so BIG! But if you didn't, you would just think I'm just another fat chick. I don't have an obviously pregnant belly...I'm just looking fat in the stomach area more than anything else.

I am now going into my 18th week...wow...four and a half months! Time has flown! I should be finding out the sex of the baby within the next two or so weeks. I'm very excited for that...and my friends will be relieved. They have wanted to go crazy buying baby clothes and shoes, but not knowing the sex has limited their activity.

I think I've been more relaxed now than any other time since I found out I'm pregnant. I have a full time job. I have been able to see who my real friends are. My family and friends are behind me. I guess everything feels like its starting to fall into place.

The baby's father and I have had a few clashes in the past few weeks. But we seem to be okay now. We have come to a mutual understanding that he will take care of his child. And our communication is limited to our baby - which I have no issue with.

I have a short list of boy and girl names. I have gotten overly excited and already created a baby registry lol - though I haven't sent it out to anyone yet. I'm just trying to relish in the experience.

Well...that's your update for now. Sorry for the absence!